Horoscopes for September 12th 2016- September 18th 2016
Aries (March 21- April 19) Aries, your determination and imagination should be put to good use this week. Try your hardest to make your own soup. Soup is just a mess of broth, vegetables, and sweat so it should be a piece of cake or in this case, a spoonful of soup. Get your friends to try the soup and if they spit it out it’s probably just an indication that it’s too hot.
Taurus (April 20- May 20) Taurus, buy some high waist pants this week and look at copies of Vogue magazine. The semester has just begun and there’s plenty of time to reinvent yourself. Reconnect with old friends and invite them over.
Gemini (May 21- June 20) Try using the gun emoji in any conversation you can. The stars say this emoji can be used in-group messages, messages with your partner, even messages with your mom, if you don’t take your chance to use this emoji what is the second amendment for?
Cancer (June 21- July 22) Cancer, walk some place far this week and sit down. Write how many times you see people wearing flip flops or talk to a stranger. A lot can happen if you sit in one place, this summer has been full of movement and you deserve to sit.
Leo (July 23-August 22) Leo, perfect your social media skills this week. Cultivate your posts, plan your captions, and gain followers. Take random pictures in Walmart at once (24 to be exact) and then uploaded the pictures every hour. Tell your followers that you are doing the “24 Hour Walmart Challenge” even though you’re just chilling on your couch. It will sure turn heads and increase follower count.
Virgo (August 23- September 22) Invite your friends over for a dinner party, and cook them some meatloaf. Better yet, invite your friends over, hide in your room, abandon the ingredients for meatloaf on the counter and leave them with detailed instructions on how to cook the dish. Come out of your hiding place when that sweet aroma of meat tickles your nose.
Libra (September 23- October 22) Libra, invest in a drum machine, and try your best to recreate the “Stranger Things” theme song. Make an entire album with your recreations and then realize you wasted a lot of time but still had a lot of fun. Get a week ahead on your homework this week you’ll thank yourself in the future.
Scorpio (October 23- November 21) Start using the phrase “this may sound cosmic” before saying something really mundane this week. Imagine walking down 5th Avenue in a huge fur coat and glam rock platforms while listening to “Distant Stars” by Sun Ra.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Sagittarius, try your best to locate old furniture left on the side road. Sit in it for an hour, if you don’t feel itchy afterwards pick it up and give it the love it deserves. If you do feel itchy afterwards, immediately run away and take a shower.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19) Capricorn, ask someone special on a date to get pizza with you but don’t actually get pizza. Instead just have that special someone meet you at your favorite pizza place, explain why it’s your favorite pizza place, and tell them that the date is over but there will be a second one.
Aquarius (January 20- February 19) Aquarius, listen to Rihanna’s “ANTI” this week and really feel yourself this week. This summer has been rough but this semester you can pull a lot of power moves and take on anything. Power moves could be anything from drinking black coffee to wearing a bathrobe to class.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Pieces, you’re still in a summer mood even though school just started. Do something about it this week. Write a letter to a distant relative, put that letter in a bottle, and cast it out to sea. Or just listen to that song “Message in a Bottle” by The Police, you’ll get the same joy probably.