Aries (March 21- April 19) Aries, start worrying about the election. It may be a stressful week, so you might as well embrace the inevitable heat-death of your emotional stability by pondering your voting options. Remember: even if you don’t want to vote for one of the candidates, you can write in the person you think is best. Don’t be ashamed to vote for Mickey Mouse. A lot of people vote for Mickey Mouse.
Taurus (April 20- May 20) Taurus, stack all your textbooks in a pile, and stand on all of them. See if you feel smarter. Maybe you’ll be able to absorb the information you need through your feet, socks or decorative booties. Do 10 squats on the textbooks and see if that helps. If it doesn’t, just go back to how you usually study.
Gemini (May 21- June 20) Gemini, September has been a hard month for you. Host a party and invite all your friends to celebrate the death of September. Be sure to go to the Providence Place Mall and order a 6-dollar Godiva milkshake, because you deserve it. See a movie with your best buds and laugh until you cry. It’ll be the most fun you’ve ever had at a wake.
Cancer (June 21- July 22) Eat a lot of trail mix this week, and build a detailed list of different ways to eat it. Think about how everyone eats trail mix differently. Think about many people eat trail mix when they’re not even on a trail. Make your own trail mix, and give it to your friends. Really dive into that trail mix game this week.
Leo (July 23-August 22) Leo, get enthralled with the darling child-stars from “Stranger Things.” Watch all of their interviews and re-watch “Stranger Things” on Netflix. Learn everything about them. It may seem useless, but the knowledge could come in handy one day. You never know. Pretend they are your children. Love and support them this week.
Virgo (August 23- September 22) Virgo, you will be touched by an angel this week. The angel’s age and gender are not specified, but be on the lookout. They may hug you, they may whisper sweet nothings in your ear or they may flick your elbow. Whatever it is, you’ll know, and you will feel blessed.
Libra (September 23- October 22) Libra, be a prankster this week. Walk into apple store with an android and demand service, or walk into an android carrier and demand help with your apple product. It probably is done on a routine basis, but who cares. Laugh at the experience and love yourself this week.
Scorpio (October 23- November 21) Scorpio, be flirtatious this week. Wink at everyone you see and, spent lots of times in fields building flower crowns for the people you want to get with. Times are becoming darker, and it’d be nice for you to start a relationship now. Remember: if things don’t work out, you can always just dump them two weeks after Valentine’s Day. Everyone does that.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Attend an event you wouldn’t normally attend, and question your existence the whole time there. Maybe something good will happen, maybe something bad will happen. Who knows? Just do something out of your comfort zone, and see if there are any changes.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19) Capricorn, everyone always talks about how you need a number 2 pencil, but no one ever talks about when you might need a number 1 pencil. Locate a number 1 pencil and use it on a test to see if there is actually a difference in a number 1 pencil vs. a number 2 pencil. Good luck!
Aquarius (January 20- February 19) Aquarius, turn your room into a walk-in closet. Yeah you might have a closet at home, but, like, opening doors is such hard work. Why not cut out the middleman, and make you entire room into a walk-in closet. It’ll give you something to do and tap into that DIY lifestyle you keep dreaming about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Pisces, read the book “The Old Man and the Sea” this week, and build a boat. Cast away from Narragansett Bay and start fishing for that elusive catch of the day. Bring swimming trunks and go swimming, even if it’s cold. You need this journey because your life is boring, so go.