Aries (March 21- April 19) Aries, think deeply about the word “apparatus” this week. Its origins, its history, and its syntactical properties. Use it as much as you can, even if you use it the wrong way. Ignore as many people as you can this week; focus on doing something with a pen and paper.
Taurus (April 20- May 20) Focus on a project that will bring you happiness and joy for your entire life. This project can be big, small or in the middly-mediumy zone. Maybe set up a joint bank account for you and your partner or design a fashion line for next year’s New York Fashion week.
Gemini (May 21- June 20) This week, you will experience hardship and disappointment. Unfortunately, every time you get into the car to travel, you will find that you are stuck behind old white men with personalized license plates and bumper stickers that express where their children went to college and how much of a great dad they are.
Cancer (June 21- July 22) Cancer, it’s time to watch the all of Anne Hathaway’s filmography this week. From “Princess Diaries” to “Les Mis,” watch all of them, and find a special meaning behind Anne Hathaway. Determine her net worth and importance to our society this week.
Leo (July 23-August 22) Leo, say phrases like “hot off the press” and eat a lot of tic tacs this week. These two things have no correlation, but the stars are confident that these two activities combined will culminate in a great week. If you ever feel down this week, drink a cup of water and eat one singular tic tac to feel better. Just one.
Virgo (August 23- September 22) It’s your season Virgo, and you have all the power, but you should really try your best to see how your friends are doing. Mercury is in retrograde, and although you may be thriving, those close to you might not be feeling so hot. Cheer them up by buying them balloons and seltzer.
Libra (September 23- October 22) Do something creative this week. Make a sculpture entirely out of your lunch food and hide it somewhere where only you can find it. Drink from the bottom of your water bottle somehow. Create a Rube Goldberg machine.
Scorpio (October 23- November 21) Determine how many (if any) adult humans in your area still use chain wallets. If you uncover a significant number of chain-wallet enthusiasts, make posters calling all chain wallet-ers to meet up at the local Dunkin Donuts. If people end up going, tell them they would be stronger if they linked their chain wallets together to make one big super chain.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Sagittarius, Get mad about the iPhone 7 this week. Throw a bunch of tantrums this week even if they’re about something as simple as your future phone not having a headphone jack. Be impossible, it’s your show and you’re the star, so don’t worry about it.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19) Double dip whenever you get a chance this week. Pass your germs to as many people as possible, and don’t cover your mouth when you sneeze or cough. Decorate someone’s life with your personal goobers.
Aquarius (January 20- February 19) Aquarius, you are on a boat this week. The waves rock the boat, and you go up and down. Think about the color yellow this week. Think about wearing fishermen’s plaid and walking with an umbrella just in case it rains. Have a lavender donut and drink milk this week.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Take a bath this week, and while soaking, make a list of the top ten people you would love to shop with at IKEA. These people can be your best buds, your crushes, or your favorite celebrities. Drink hot tea by yourself, and read your favorite novel again.