Clusterfackt

Mike Dwyer – Anchor Staff

The oldest organic color is a bright pink discovered in West Africa. Evidence in Jordan suggests   that bread came before agriculture while scientists in Britain claim to have proven that the chicken came before the egg.

The average height of an adult American male is 5-foot-10 while the average hand size of an adult American male, measured from the tip of the middle finger to the wrist, is roughly 7.44 inches.   

Standing at 6-foot-2 with a hand size of 7.25 inches, President Donald Trump’s hands are objectively, and scientifically, smaller than average. Partisans tend to believe that their preferred candidate is taller whereas vocal disorders make politicians more persuasive.

A non-profit organization called OpenBiome specializes in purchasing, processing and packaging poop into oral tablets which they ship all across the country, providing a life-changing treatment for people suffering from the effects of C. difficile.

The company will pay up to $13,000 a year for donations, many of which come from students at nearby Tufts University where the average in-state tuition is approximately $52,000 a year.

“I never thought that after getting my PhD I’d start mailing poop around,” said OpenBiome’s co-founder Mark Smith in an interview with The Washington Post.

Of the student donors, Smith thought it was “great to have a healthy contingent of regular gym goers” in such close proximity to his Medford, MA office that can meet his high fecal standards.  

Pornography has negative impacts on the sexual satisfaction of men, but less so when those men have a low opinion of the Bible.

The negative correlation between intelligence and religiosity is weaker in the Bible Belt. A study in New Zealand has shown that humans exhibit racism towards robots of color.

Engineers have created a robotic baby that kicks up particulate matter in carpets.

A researcher has proposed that Rene Descartes experienced Exploding Head Syndrome.

Forensic otologists have theorized that Sir Isaac Newton suffered an inner ear imbalance, a lifelong condition which led to his discovery and study of gravity in 1492.

Voting districts trend Republican when there are more pickup trucks than sedans.

At least one percent of voters swing right on rainy election days.

Gene therapy has stopped mutant female mice from mutilating the genitalia of their male counterparts.

When served food atop fake feces, Chimpanzees will hesitate before eating.

Checking the facts with Dwight Myers:

Unfortunately, once again no one was able to correctly identify the false facts from our previous issues. It’s time to reveal the falsehoods of the last fortnight. In our third issue of Clusterfackt the author claimed that a group of computer scientists in Singapore successfully downloaded the consciousness of a monkey to an artificial neural network but failed to communicate with the AI because the digitized primate would not cease screaming. This claim was simply the thought vomit of a complete nincompoop. In our last issue, the author of Clusterfackt tried to make the falsehood more apparent but it still failed elicit criticism. So to be clear- a ton of bowling balls will fall at the same velocity as a ton of feathers whether on earth or the surface of the moon because the reduction in gravity will affect both equally. Astrologers made no claim to the contrary because astrology has absolutely nothing to do with scientific inquiry or facts. Astrology is pure superstitious pseudoscience.