Horoscopes Jan. 30 – Feb. 6
Aries (March 21 – April 19) President Obama is out of office and taking a vacation; you should too. If you find that this week isn’t best for a vacation, looking at pictures of the Obamas exploring beaches and interesting landscapes will probably suffice. Just delete your search history before your conservative family comes home.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) With lots of talk about alternative facts as of recently, the stars show that you should put your own special twist on this topical trend with alternative facts about classic alternative rock stars. Listen to Sonic Youth, the Velvet Underground, and Bjork and share your knowledge with the public and media.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) A great change will come to you this week, presenting you with a revelation that the earth is not flat or round, but virtual. You will see things no one else has seen before and read between the lines. Great change is coming, be on the lookout.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will procrastinate a lot this week, Cancer, by watching reruns of “Friends” and “Seinfeld.” Since these shows revolve around friends, this is a sign that you don’t need time alone, but need time with friends
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) Pasta and carbs are not enemies. They are delicious. Potatoes have vitamin C in them and are good for the soul and help keep you from getting sick. Never feel like you don’t deserve delicious food, because you do. It’s good for you, so eat plenty of delicious meals this week, Leo.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) You’ll find yourself grappling with the truth this week because you’re hiding something. Whatever you’re hiding, you might want to find a new hiding place; people are finding the treasures you keep hidden. Learn something from this.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Libra, you will consider that Lighting McQueen may be a hybrid of man and machine. Does he breathe the same breath as we do? Is “Cars” a Disney dystopia where humanity has evolved into machine? These are the questions that need answers, let this week show you the way.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Human creation has damned us in the long run. We have created the stock market, calories, and mileage on a car. Think outside the box and discover how to fix that which destines humankind for failure.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Feeling exhausted, overworked, and overcome with fatigue? You’ll soon find a solution by having four espressos and punching through the space-time continuum.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) You may be troubled by recent friend problems this week, but enough with that; you need to focus on that W2 that isn’t here yet. Put all your energy into that, instead of any friend problems.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 19) Bring the loudest snacks possible to lecture so people remember your presence. Loud snacks include: apples, carrots, chips, and caramel popcorn. Be creative and bring a 5-course meal. Be that person.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) Being independent is important but having someone else do your taxes does not invalidate your independence. Strong people pay people to do their taxes for them. So, be strong and consider your legal obligations.